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So, a while ago i made this anxiety induced post about "having enough" and i thought i'd tell you guys just what exactly is going on and why did i make it. now a friend told me that it'd be better to just tell you guys everything to lower the severity of this headache, but i didn't want to do it at first so no one would be worried about me or anything, but i feel like i have to do it now. just to make it clear, no, i'm not killing myself. so allow me to explain, what was the problem?
Well, i'm just going through lots of stressful events, some problems, i'm worried about plenty of things and i keep my feelings bottled up and rarely release them anywhere to anyone except when i'm at my limit. a while ago, i had what you'd call a "Nervous breakdown" and i don't want to get into detail about it, but let me just say it was fucking horrible. but i guess i can't blame anyone but myself for keeping feelings bottled up so much that this would happen, but in my defense, i don't really talk much about my problems because last time i did that in a news post which i've deleted, someone legit got mad at me and misunderstood the whole issue thinking that it was completely about this 10% of info that i provided about the issue, so i felt a little discouraged about talking about my problems to anyone if that's the kinda reaction that i could expect before even getting into detail about my problems. now you may be thinking "You're just sad, man, you'll get better" but sadly, i'm not just "sad" and for those of you who don't know, i'm actually diagnosed with depression and anxiety, so now you might be wondering, what are my problems, and were they so bad that they'd cause something like this? and well, where do i start?...
First we have the more "big" issues such as feeling guilt, fear and exhaustion all the time. to make more sense i'll explain why i feel fear all the time first, it's because as you guys know, i live in Syria, and it's a dangerous place and you can never really predict what chaotic shit will happen next, and that scares me because i can't just die yet, i have some shit to live for and hence the guilt, because there are people who need me alive, trust me even i have a hard time understanding that but they just do, and this makes me feel guilty because i'm just sitting here having them worry so much about me and not doing anything, and then the exhaustion because i'm always thinking too much and 24/7 about the not-so-distant bitter end if i don't do anything and about ways to make money to move to another country that the people i know would consider more "safe", and obviously, none of these plans worked and at this point, i need a miracle to make money, and then i let shit bottle up so much for so long that i actually got depression and anxiety from it.
Then there's the problem of my future career and education, in Syria, no one gives a shit (Or to be fair, barely give a shit) about programmers and artists, and that's a problem because i can't imagine myself doing anything but these two things in life, in other places however, people take programmers and artists more seriously, just not in here though, which kind of makes me feel like "I'm wasting time, and that i'll just end up having a miserable job for the rest of my life and basically being a corpse that moves"
And then there is the problem of feeling like i'm not going anywhere good in life looking at how shit things are in all aspects, and this bothers me because i feel like i'm locked inside a cage without a door, no matter what i do, i can't get out.
Then there's a more minor issue like my bullshit luck with women and love in general. to me, it's either that a woman completely likes me and wants to be in a relationship with me, or she completely hates me and ignores me and would prefer not talking to me, is there any middle ground? nah... which despit being a minor issue, manages to bother me a bit, because i can't really understand just why, i'm sure as hell not "handsome" (Or completely ugly) and my attitude surely isn't that much awesome and attractive (Or horrible and disgusting), but for some reason, most of the women i know tend to disagree. which leads us to some problems such as my ex who broke up with me for reasons like "taking care of herself" now long story short, she's basically acting like a child and switching from one world to another every once in a while, like at first she tells me "I want to take care of myself" and then she goes full anime and starts acting like some tragic hero or something and says "Let's just be friends", and then she plays the victim and gets offended when i tell her "Nah, i'd rather not talk to you ever again and not pretend like nothing's wrong and everything is fine" i swear if i could just see her face to face right now, i'd just tell her "I hope i never remember that i was once your boyfriend" and again, this bothers me because this isn't really my first time being in a situation like that, it's always been like that for me for some reason, she was like my 5th girlfriend and there was barely any difference between her and the others. and an example of the opposite is this other girl that sometimes ignores me, and then talks to me at her own pace like nothing happened, this bothers me because i'd prefer that she either talks to me or doesn't talk to me at all, not switch from this to that. and the biggest problem is that i always end up spending time with these people feeling like they're actually alright and that they won't just get retarded when shit gets tough and then i get proven wrong. now i can go on about these issues but this isn't a "dating" bullshit post, it's about something else.
And then there's my issue of being "dead inside" which bothers me because WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T HAVE FEELINGS? the only thing i can feel is pain, misery and fear, i can barely feel happy or anything similar, and people often tell me that i'm completely emotionless, and again this bothers me a lot because i have no idea why this is happening and i completely hate being stuck in an issue that i can't understand. and what's even worse is that the moment i say something like "I'm sa-" i don't even get to finish my sentence and then people think i'm about to kill myself, you know there's a problem when you yourself don't want to kill yourself and think of this as basically a simple bit of venting and then everyone else thinks you're legit about to murder yourself.
So yeah, that's basically it, i've got tons more problems but that's about enough explaining for now, so i'm sorry if any of you got worried about me whether it be now or at some point in the past, i didn't mean to get anyone worried.
Anyway, thank you guys for reading this and i hope you guys understand.
Edit : fixed my amazing grammier.